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Many western parents were bewildered, and some reacted strongly on the content of Amy Chua’s book that portrayed her strict parenting style – so called Tiger Mom. Her bold confession and belief in typical Chinese parenting style has ignited an endless global debate for an ideal parenting for nearly a decade. The Battle Hymn of Tiger Mom, authored by her, was released in 2011, and ever since it has been a controversial issue that debates which parenting style, between East and West, is more suitable and fruitful in bringing up the children (Kim, 2013; Thiagarajan, 2016).

Eastern Parenting and Western Parenting

Eastern parenting is known for strong directives and extensive goal-achieving effort. The requisite excellency in academic journey and acquisition of difficult skills in music continually demands hard work and places tremendous pressure on children. The indicators for success of this parenting style rests upon the children’s fruitful academic journey, and recognizable skills developed beside children’s character in being respectful and obedient to parents and authority. This posits that Asian parenting style is more towards authoritarian in nature (Kim, 2013). However, it is widely reported that this type of parenting seems to get parents and guardians, in comparison to the western, more involved, engaged, and be consistent with their children – but the practice seems harsh causing children to be emotionally impaired in extreme cases.

On the contrary, western parenting places strong beliefs on children’s right for their preferred choices, placing a strong focus on children’s emotional development, independence, and sense of autonomy. In the psychological perspective, this would bring in creativity, self-fulfillment, and high self-esteem among children. This parenting style focuses on the emotional side of training and raising children for better learning (Sylwester,1994). Although western are involved with children through their consistent grounding and time-out rules, in extreme cases the practice can become passive and uninvolved parenting. There is a tendency that such parents can over emphasize the emotional side of a children resulting in children becoming the overruling party to their parents (Firestone, 2012).

Just like any parent, Amy Chua shared a strong desire to facilitate and bring out the best in her children. She had the same passion and wishes of all parents that our extensive effort would help develop obedience, humility, self-discipline, respect, and successful life journey for them. Amy Chua, however, also struggled to understand why her strategies worked well on one daughter and not quite well on another. Although both eastern and western parenting are based on good intentions for children, both obviously have merits and some unwanted effects. Thus, the debate continues here: Which would be the ideal parenting style that we Christian parents should go for?

East Meets West: The Blended Model

In recent years, I have never come across two Asian families practicing and carrying out the same style of parenting. Although some continue to see that the traditional way, which is skewed toward the authoritarian type (Kim, 2013), is still best fit, more parents are now depending much on information from the experts found in the media and the materials on psychological development of children that are often influenced by western perspectives. We cannot as well make a blanket statement in thinking that western parenting is liberal, permissive and unengaged; for in one parenting style, there are variations that occur.

Guiding and training children in their decision-making is necessary as Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” There is a missing gap between childhood and adulthood. The Bible does not specify; thus, the question emerges if we should continue to train and direct their path into adulthood. As the matter of fact, training and guiding children does not abruptly stop. In a person’s lowest and desperate times that happen during different stages of life, there is still a need for a mentor. Regardless of their age, our adult children still need some advice, emotional and mental support in ways from their aging parent. For the smooth transition into adulthood, parental involvement should gradually be lessened as children take up more responsibility and feel more confident in dealing with the situation themselves.

The fact is that we will continue to be involved in their lives as their parents because we want to ensure that we have equipped our children with enough skills needed for life. Parents will continue to monitor by making sure that they make friends with the right crowd, keep reminding them of their church attendance, ask them to be purposeful in their future goal and avoid distraction in ways, and eventually give advice and suggestion on life-partner selection.

During their transition from childhood to adolescence, children must be ushered to experience a smooth transition step by step as much as possible. In order to have such experience, children must have mental readiness and sense of autonomy for creativity that have been facilitated gradually in the process of growing up by adults around them. They also need to have a positive self-concept and a healthy mindset generated from a loving and supporting family. Parenting must be well-balanced by understanding and practicing ways that guarantee the merits of both parenting styles. Eastern parenting that generate much of self-denial and self-control; and at the same time, considers seriously the emotional side for a person’s total well-being. Seeing the merits of both parenting styles, the blending model of east meets west is a good option to go for.

Tips from Mrs. White for a Well-Balanced Parenting

Beside the blended model of practice, parenting responsibility is never fully fulfilled without the spiritual legacythat we must intentionally plan and take time to pass on to our dear children. Bible and Spirit of Prophecy by Mrs. Ellen G. White have provided wisdom and directives on the right parenting scheme that is more balanced and wholistic in nature.

Know Your Children Personally and Intimately. When it comes to parenting model, children do have preferences. Some seem to thrive under strict parenting and other are withdrawn. We must know what motivate them more in their learning whereas we also facilitate them well in the process of character building. Mrs. White warns, “There is danger that both parents and teachers will command and dictate too much, while they fail to come sufficiently into social relation with their children or scholars,” (CG, 265.1). Knowing our children personally and intimately will give us insights as what to do in a given situation and how to appropriately and sufficiently guide their mind in the decision-making process.

Keep in Mind the True Purpose of Parenting Education. Ellen G. White says, “What is the great aim and object of their education? Is it to fit them for life and its duties, to qualify them to take an honorable position in the world, to do good, to benefit their fellow-beings, to gain eventually the reward of the righteousness? If so, then the first lesson to be taught them is self-control, for no undisciplined, headstrong person can hope for success in this world or reward in the next,” (CG, 91.1). Be purposeful as Mrs. White warns, “Neglect of duty, injudicious indulgence, failure to restrain or correct the follies of youth, will result in unhappiness and finally ruin to the children and disappointment and anguish to the parents,” (CG, 258.1).

Set Your Clear Expectation.Expectation is important and it should be achievable. Parents must also create both short term and long-term goal. Like academic achievement, character building is a process and it is under both short -term and long-term goals. As the children proceed, parents must also allow children to fail and continue to be positive on them. We must be sure that our expectation is also realistic and attainable for our children; and we must also not forget to create a set of expectation for ourselves in effectively modeling their behaviors.

Train the Child to Yield to Your Expectation. Children must be taught to obey from an early age when their physical, mental, social, and emotional dependency are upon their parents. Mrs. White says, “Mothers, you should train your children to yield to your wishes. This point must be gain if you would hold the control over your children and preserve your dignity as a mother. Your children will quickly learn as what you expect of them, they know when their will conquers yours, and will make the most of their victory,” (CG, 91.2).

Responding with Self-Control and Employ Empathetic Approach. Upon teaching the children, parents need to exhibit self-control themselves at home. This includes self-control in appetite (food), temper, and passion (media, facebook, gaming, fashion, etc.). Parents must model the rightful habits. Mrs. White states, “The scolding and faultfinding of parents encourages a hasty, passionate temper in their children,” (CG, 94.2). Parents must understand their struggles to face powerful distractions around them and make them feel that they are not alone. Responding to children empathetically needs great patience and practice but they deem for huge benefits.

It is a Teamwork. Both parents must agree on set of disciplines and expectation. Parenting is a teamwork that need to be agreed upon. Failing in teaming up for effective parenting purpose may cause confusion and noncomplying and rebellious attitude in children. Mrs. White says, “Uniform firmness and unimpassioned control are necessary to the discipline of every family,” (CG, 264.1). When both parents are teamed up, their effort always yields a greater result.

Keep Guiding and Guarding Children’s Mind and Behavior Dutifully. A single mother was facing hard times with her two young girls when I paid a visit. They were continually crying, screaming, and seeking their mother’s attention. I asked her why she had allowed such behaviors to continue without consistent intervention. She admitted that she always felt sorry for her two young children having to lose their father at a very young age. As a mother, I do understand perfectly that kind of sorry feeling. To be able train children to govern themselves responsibly, we must separate our feeling and what we must do at times. Such children also deserve to be trained normally so that they could grow up and become normal individuals with a well-balanced mind and action, and parents must begin at young age. Mrs. White says, “Love has a twin sister, which is duty. Love and duty stand side by side. Love exercised while duty is neglected will make children headstrong, willful, perverse, selfish, and disobedient. If stern duty is left to stand alone without love to soften and win, it will have a similar result. Duty and love must be blended in order that children may be properly disciplined,” (CG, 258.2). Parents must try to stay balanced in their parenting scheme. A healthy and well-balanced emotional and mental development in children requires a balanced act on parents’ part. I find both parenting styles to be very beneficial if we blend well and execute them in a balanced manner.

Use Praise as a Tool, Not as a Weapon.To promote self-esteem and emotional development we must employ praises as a tool for them to feel confident and grow emotionally secured. Overdoing it, however, can do much harm to them. If praises are misused by overusing them, children may become overconfident and arrogant in nature. They may tend to be misled to self-absorption, and deceptive even to their own perception. Unrealistic praises and overdoing practice by parents and adults will cause the children to drown into the pool of self-obsession. Proverbs 26:28 says, “A lying tongue hates its victims, and a flattering mouth works ruin.” If the saying does not help the hearers, just do not say it. Our love for them must be based on fact and genuine interest.

Conclusion

Christian parents who carry on their parenting responsibility dutifully in Christlike authority may succeed in raising and training up well-balanced children in mind and spirit. Therefore, a balanced and blended parenting style is like a clawless tiger mom. Children respect their parents, obey them, and put their effort to achieve a higher goal, not because they do have intimidations or claws instigating fear, but respect and obedience they earn because of their dignity, firmness, love, unyielding faith, and being dutiful parents to their children. The Bible says, “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change,” (James 1:17). For dedicated Christian parents, there is nothing more valuable than the spiritual values that children could inherit from them that would help safeguarding the children for life, ensuring their reward of righteousness in the world to come!

Sources

Chua, A. (2011). Battle hymn of the tiger mother. New York: Penguin Press.

Firestones, L. (2012). Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201204/the-abuse-overparenting

Kim, S. Y. (2013). Retrieved from https://www.apadivisions.org/division-7/publications/newsletters/developmental/2013/07/tiger-parenting

Sylwester, R. (1994). Retrieved from http://www.ascd.org/publications/educational-leadership/oct94/vol52/num02/How-Emotions-Affect-Learning.aspx

Thiagarajan, M. (2016). Beyond the Tiger Mom: East-West Parenting for the Global Age. China: Tuttle Publishing.

White, Ellen G. (n.d.). Child Guidance. Retrieved from https://m.egwwritings.org/en/book/8.390#408